Thursday, December 19, 2013

Wrecked

Getting hit from the rear by another car is a singularly dis-empowering experience, at least for me. It's happened four times now so I've had plenty of opportunity to reflect on the experience. For over fifteen years I've been taking a prescription drug for chronic pain due to whiplash. You don't forget about it when you have to take a pill every day to cope with the effects of your wrecks.

When something didn't turn out perfect, Mom always wanted me to look for the lesson. If I got a B on a report card she'd ask, "What could you have done to make it an A?" If a friend hurt my feelings she'd prompt me to analyze my behavior to figure out what brought on the insult. She didn't mean any harm, indeed she meant to help, but I developed an inflated sense of responsibility that easily devolves into  self-blame for stuff that is not in my control. It took some firm talk from my minister and therapist to convince me that it's not always about me, and to quit feeling guilty for things other people do.

So after being rear-ended at a stop light, I automatically tried to understand what I did to bring it on. Then a few years later it happened again. State Farm dropped my policy even though they had never paid a dime, reinforcing my self-blame tendencies. The customer service rep who took my bewildered call said I didn't do anything wrong, just "happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time one too many times." To this day I don't know what to do with that statement. All of my wrecks happened in my hometown in the afternoon or early evening. What's the right place and time to drive?

Later on I was sandwiched in a 5-car pileup; I don't count that as a rear-ender. Several years later I took another hit at a red light. And it happened again a couple weeks ago as I waited, with brake lights and turn signal on, to make a left turn. It's been ten years but when I saw that SUV's grill rapidly growing bigger in my rearview mirror, the dread was all too familiar. With oncoming traffic on the left and more traffic zipping by on the right, there was nowhere to go and nothing to do but wait for impact, hoping I don't get shoved into another vehicle. The other driver said to me, "I never saw you until I hit you."

I've thought about this a lot. What's the lesson? Hell if I know!

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